10 things you should know about me.

  1. I think a lot. An insane lot. I wish I could stop, I wish there was some other way to get myself through the day. But it’s been over thirty long years of doing this day in and day out. And I realize there is nothing. This is who I am, this is who I will continue to be. The sooner I accept it, the more at peace I will be with myself and with things around me.
  2. I was once in a very serious relationship with a guy and I broke up with him, or he broke up with me, because I refused to give up my work for him. In retrospect, however, as much pain as that caused me when it happened, the decision worked out beautifully for me. It’s the first decision I ever made in my life using my head and not my heart, and it has since set the trend for almost every event in my life where I have felt torn between the devil and the deep blue sea!
  3. My grandmother’s death about 8 years back and the incidents that have happened since, have been the biggest teachers in my life. She was the smartest, most graceful woman I had ever had the good fortune of knowing and she used to love me like no one has ever loved me again. She was always so beautiful, strong-willed ( sometimes almost to a fault ) and physically fit that when her end approached in the form of an interstitial respiratory illness, I couldn’t believe the helpless state that she was reduced to. I don’t think I have gotten over her death and I highly doubt I ever will. However, I don’t talk much about her to anyone other than my husband or my immediate family as no one is likely to understand the way I feel.
  4. I grapple with weight issues and severe body-image troubles. But more about this in another post!

Now that I have bored you with all the sad, needless bits, let me tell you about the amazing things that help me keep my head above water on a daily level.

  1. I read a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. There are days I’d rather not do anything else. The fact that I grew up in a household filled with books and was taught how to read at a very young age, has probably helped a lot. My granddad, the ultimate book-lover himself,  will get all the credit for this.
  2. I absolutely, crazily love the man I have married. Somedays, I wish I could somehow explain to him just how much. His jokes, his smile, his amazing impressions of cartoon characters are literally what keep me going on days when I have had too much crap to bear in office. He is one of the smartest people I know and I have yet to meet another soul who can make me laugh the way this crazy person can. He already knows the depth of my feelings for him and I keep reminding him twenty times on a daily basis about them. But there, I said it. Once again! 🙂
  3. I love my parents, my Baba ( grandfather ) and my little brother, who isn’t that little anymore. I don’t think I love anyone or anything in the world as much as I love these five people and my husband. Together, these folks, unbeknownst to them, are the center of my little universe. My feelings and level of sadness/happiness on any given day are governed almost exclusively by how good or bad things are with my parents and brother and whether the smile on my husband’s face today is wider than it was yesterday.
  4. I cannot function without YouTube and I wonder what will happen to me the day they decide to discontinue it, if they ever do. I watch a lot of interviews and listen to music practically all the time. I cannot fall asleep unless I listen to a Joe Rogan podcast or Oprah speaking to a wonderfully accomplished human being on Super Soul Sunday editions of YouTube.
  5. I intend to write a book someday. I have no clue what it will be about, but I know it will be soon.
  6. And lastly, I love cheese. In any form. On literally anything.

The how and why of it

I am not particularly fond of blog posts titled ‘first blog post’. I have no clue what WordPress wants me to put here so all I can really tell you guys is what I know as of this moment- which is that this blog is going to be an outlet for all sorts of things for me. I am going to attempt to be as honest as I can be here. One of my goals for this year is to do things that are important but that I have been avoiding for the longest time possible as actually going through with them would put me out of my comfort zone.

So I am going to try to write things here which I actually feel. No matter how uncomfortable the idea of putting them on a public portal like WordPress makes me.

Growing up, one of my worst fears has been that I will be disliked by those around me -and although part of being an adult is to learn to mask fears such as these and present a perpetually feisty front to the world,  I find that I have still not gotten as far with actually not bothering about what someone thinks of me. It is a journey of self development and one that I constantly have to second guess myself on, but I have seen certain extremely welcome changes in my personality in the last couple of months and I am hopeful about my future as far becoming more assertive and being able to express my feelings is concerned.

Once, about eight years back, when I was going through a breakup with a person I had been in a serious relationship with for quite some time, my uncle who was in India on a visit, asked me to do something which seemed utterly silly at that time but has since had me thinking on several occasions about how blogging or posting on Facebook is kind of the same thing really. I was about 25 and without a job. My grandmom who was the dearest person in my life had passed away only a few months back and being with her through her last months, watching her suffer painfully and being unable to do anything about it had left me in a deep depression that was making it very difficult for me to function in a normal manner. To top that my boyfriend had given me an ultimatum that I would either give up all hopes of ever working and making a career for myself or I could kiss all dreams of being with him goodbye. I was in a state of heartbreak and the reasons were more than one. I was losing people who had been so important in my life and to events that I felt helpless to control. My uncle saw me doing the strangest things like breaking the sim card of my phone so that no one could reach me, staying awake all through the night and being in a haze through the day and being absolutely disinterested in anything that was going on around me.

One Sunday evening, he asked me about my behavior and wondered what the issue was and I couldn’t hide anything anymore. I just broke down and cried like I have never cried before and told him everything that was going on. The things he said to me in response to my revelation to him might seem totally ordinary to anyone reading this, but at that time it made me feel strangely positive and as if I would be able to get over all that I was going through someday. I had till that point read about bad things having happened to people and how eventually people can move on from pretty much anything, but this was the first time I was actually getting validation from someone whose opinion I really respected and whose experiences and achievements in life, I held in extremely high regard. The following is what he told me-

  • No matter how sad it makes you right now, no matter how it breaks your heart, two years down the line you will look back on this and be able to laugh at all of it.
  • Almost everyone you know has gone through something similar in their life- you are not alone
  • Get used to ‘rejection’ and learn to live with it

And while the first two of those observations/suggestions did turn out to be true, it was the third one that I took the most seriously. And even now as I start writing this blog, I have only that advice in mind as there are few things that can make you be okay with rejection as much as putting your thoughts out on a public platform such as a blog or Facebook etc.

People will comment and tell you that you’re wrong, some will argue with you, others will try to make fun of you and yet others will simply ignore. There will be those as well who will agree with and appreciate every post of yours. Ironically, however, it will be this last category’s opinions that you will find the most difficult to take seriously. For it is human nature to believe the worst about ourselves and base our self worth on the criticism we receive. This is especially true in a case like mine where compliments generally tend to roll right off my back and the criticism sticks for months on end.

So the point of this post is that If I could only learn to ignore the barbs that are thrown my way and focus only on that which enhances my sense of self worth, this blog writing journey of mine really would have yielded the one thing I have sought for the longest time possible now!

More to come soon! Ta for now! 🙂